Rufi's Ruffles
by moe81
Summary: Beware the underwear. WARNING: Pure Crack. Read at the risk to your mental health.


**Title**: Rufi's Ruffles

**Pairing**: Outside my box – Sanji/Usopp & Luffy/Chopper

**A/N:** This is all nonoji's fault again. She broke my brain.

* * *

Usopp bounded joyously into the galley, startling Chopper into dropping his latest cluster of herbs.

"Chopper! Let us go rescue damsels in distress." The doctor stared at Usopp, suddenly very afraid for his corneas. The pose he had struck was not that strange but his outfit… What?

The lime-green spandex suit seemed to mould to every curve and bulge of the snipers body, leaving nothing to the imagination. His kabuto was slung jauntily over one shoulder, giving him a distinctive air of someone who – very obviously – needed therapy of some kind.

Chopper's eyes widened as he watched Usopp reach back to the stove, intending to grab the nearest pot. The only one within reach though, was the one with pea and ham soup that Sanji had been working on all morning.

Time slowed and Chopper opened his mouth to yell but it was a futile gesture as Usopp swung the pot off the stove and into the air. The contents made a graceful arc and blended in with the colours of the kitchen, almost seeming to disappear.

Chopper followed it with wide-eyed horror, knowing he wouldn't be able to dodge the inevitable. It dropped on to his head and time forged ahead once more. He blinked slowly, trying to comprehend the situation.

"Have no fear, Chopper, my brave and stalwart friend, for I have come prepared." Usopp reached into his manly, yet effeminate, purse and produced a garment which should never have seen the light of day.

As the sniper held it out to him, he couldn't help but stare, and marvel, at the hideousness when light refracted off the sequins, making it sparkle. The pink shade made it pretty but the lace, miles and miles of lace, was just a tacky statement. All of this, however, paled in comparison to the bright yellow suspenders that were attached.

"Come, Chopper-kun. Do you wish to wander the fortress decks with wet underwear?"

Chopper forced himself to blink. "But they're shorts."

Usopp's laughter rang loudly in the near empty galley. "Come, come. Don't be shy. Manly men wear ruffley knickers. Are you not a manly man, my good doctor?"

"Of course I am!" He shouted and then quickly reverted to his general squeak. "But, Usopp…"

"Tut tut. Come. Allow me to lend you a capable hand." Without any warning, Chopper was stripped of his soggy shorts and pink ruffles were hauled into place. Usopp dragged up the suspenders and patted them into place. "Don't you look dashing, my furry compadre."

It was at that point that a shadow loomed over the brave Captain Usopp and growled menacingly. "What the hell do you think you're doing, shitty longnose?"

Usopp froze and his penchant for telling tall tales was ultimately forgotten. "It… There was… My illness… I've become…" He faltered to a stop as the chef produced a long-handled, wooden spoon.

"You wasted food, you shitty bastard. It's time to pay the price."

If Sanji had squatted to the floor and quacked like a duck, Usopp would have been less surprised then by his next actions. The cook grabbed his arm and dragged him to the galley table, where he bent him over and proceeded to spank him into submission.

Chopper knew this was no place for such a young mind and fled the galley in search of safer grounds.

It was amongst the mikan trees of the beautiful, money-grubbing witch, henceforth known as Nami, that the Captain found his doctor cowering. With a grin as wide as the Grand Line itself, he gazed at his doctor and laughed heartily.

"Oi, Chopper. What are you doing up here? Usopp was looking for you earlier."

Chopper squeaked – this was becoming a habit – and tried to hide himself deeper in the trees. Luffy looked at his nakama, a worry line marring his carefree face.

"Chopper? What's wrong?"

The little reindeer shook his head, wibbling internally with glee over his captain's worry.

The captain held his hand out and wiggled his fingers invitingly. "Then come with me and let's play a game."

Chopper wanted to scream 'NO' and keep the death grip he had on the tree, but he could never deny his captain anything. He took a step into the open space and blushed a bright pink. From the tips of his antlers and to the ends of his hooves, he colourfully matched his new attire.

Luffy halted all action, including remembering to breathe. Chopper sincerely hoped he wouldn't pass out.

"Chopper? What?"

Tears welled in Chopper's eyes, swimming to the surface and threatening to fall. "It was… I'm… It… I have no pants."

Luffy's face softened and he gave his nakama a smile, which helped Chopper to remember, he was not alone in his plight against the force known as 'The Great Captain Usopp', resident sharpshooter and deranged imbecile.

"Come, doctor. You can hide with me until we find a replacement for your… shorts."

It was then, that Luffy picked him up and held out his waistband, placing Chopper in the safe confines of his pants.

Chopper squealed with happiness and wibbled with glee. "This doesn't make me happy, you bastard."

Luffy smirked where no one could see and continue to enjoy his doctors squirming. And as he listened, the breeze carried muffled shouts, drifting from the open door of the galley.


End file.
